Sunday, October 26, 2008


Found this guy in my yard yesterday.


That is all.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Rollers Show

“In the future there will be no wars. But there will be . . . ROLLERBALL.”

That’s the tagline from the 1975 sci-fi masterpiece, Rollerball. This film provides what I can only assume is a stunningly accurate glimpse into the distant future -- the year 2018! -- when corporations rule the world, individuality is discouraged, and grown men on roller skates chase a silver ball around in circles and beat the living snot out of each other with spiked leather gloves that appear to have been purchased at Rob Halford’s Fist-O-Rama.

This film was a real eye-opener, let me tell you. I learned many, many things about the future, which I will now attempt to impart as a personal service to you, my endearingly ignorant and culturally starved readers.

In the future . . . sci-fi movies will drag along at a crippled snail’s pace.

In the future . . . James Caan’s mother will carefully lay out his Garanimals for him every morning.

In the future . . . chairs will be much too small to sit in comfortably.

In the future . . . all homes and corporate buildings will look like they were built in the seventies.

In the future . . . an exhumed John Houseman will return to the silver screen and torture fellow cast members with tedious braggadocio about his award-winning role in The Paper Chase.

In the future . . . a nifty font will constantly remind everyone that they are living . . . in the future!

In the future . . . people will have several “Television Sets” in one house!

In the future . . . James Caan will look pretty damn good with his shirt off.

In the future . . . Quincy’s sidekick, Dr. Sam Fujiyama, will have abandoned the medical profession to pursue his lifelong dream of being an equipment strategist for the Houston Rollerball team.

In the future . . . professional athletes will need an equipment strategist to tell them how to use complex technological advancements such as “Shin Guards,” “Elbow Pads,” and “Football Helmets.”

In the future . . . James Caan will wear pants so tight that his crotch will look like a relief map of the Brazilian Highlands.

In the future . . . all grown men -- even James Caan -- will still look like total douche bags on roller skates.

Ah, but I don’t want to give away the whole film. I strongly encourage every one of you to watch this flaming turd on wheels so that you too can experience your own thrilling cinematic journey . . . into the future!