Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Eight Wonders of the Ancient World

Thousands of years from now, I believe the "Seven Wonders of the Ancient World" list will have been revised thusly:

The Eight Wonders of the Ancient World

1. The Great Pyramid of Giza
2. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
3. The Statue of Zeus at Olympia
4. The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
5. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
6. The Colossus of Rhodes
7. The Lighthouse of Alexandria
8. The Abandoned-Refrigerator-With-the-Door-Off of Butner

Somewhere in Butner, there’s a refrigerator lying on the side of the road. Some dumbasses needed to unload the thing and were too lazy to take it to the dump, so they just said “This-here’s a good spot” and they flung it into the ditch for the deer to bang their shins on, and to fake out any possums looking for large metal objects to flatten themselves with.

Now, this in itself is unremarkable. Dumbasses do stupid crap like this all the time. The “wondrous” part of this particular choice in dumbass ditch design is that these dumbasses had the presence of mind to take the door off, so that little tow-headed Billy-Jimbo, skipping along the highway in his knee-breeches, wouldn’t climb into it, shut the door, and smother to death while dreaming of sugarplums and fatback biscuits.

The abandoned-fridge-with-the-door-off phenomenon presents something of a conundrum, as it displays equal parts imbecility and intelligence on the part of the Goobers what left it in the ditch. If it never occurred to them that there might possibly be something wrong with flinging an appliance into a ditch and leaving it there, what made them go all publicly-aware and do-goodery on the fridge door issue?

I have a theory, and that theory is . . . television. Think about it. Where do dumbasses learn literary quotes such as “git-r-done” and philosophical puzzlers like “Where’s the beef?” Why, television, of course. Television.

Remember Bert the Duck-and-Cover Turtle? I don’t, but I can sing the whole damned “Duck and Cover” song for you.

There was a turtle by the name of Bert
And Bert the turtle was very alert
When danger threatened him he never got hurt
He knew just what to do!

He’d duck. . . *Fwooshhhht!* . . . and cover!
Duck . . .
*Fwooshhhht!* . . . and cover!

He did what we all must learn to do
You and you and you and you

Duck . . .
*Fwooshhhht!* . . . and cover!

That there’s an effective ad campaign for you. Why, I’d like to crawl under a desk right now. So, here’s what I figure. Somewhere in the deep recesses of Goober A and Goober B’s collective brain, lay the residual teachings of an old TV public service campaign reminding folks to remove fridge doors before abandoning them on the side of the road. I believe it went something like this:

If you’ve got a fridge to ditch
and you like kids
and you don’t want them to smother

Then pay some attention to this good advice
and you’ll help out someone’s mother!

Before-you-take-off . . . *Vvvvvvrrroooom!* . . . take the door off!
Before-you-take-off. . .
*Vvvvvvrrroooom!* . . . take the door off!

A Norge can look like a lot of fun
To a tyke who’s too young to own a gun

Before-you-take-off . . .
*Vvvvvvrrroooom!* . . . take the door off!

Alas, “Take-The-Door-Off”’s follow-up campaign, “Don’t-Leave-Your-Crap-On-the-Side-of-the-Road”, didn’t generate the financial backing it needed, and therefore ended up with an inferior jingle that did not win the hearts and minds of all the Goober Q. Smiths out there.

Don’t leave your crap on the side of the road
on the side of the road-ode-ode!

Don’t leave your crap on the side of the road
on the side of the road-ode-ode!

Don’t leave your crap on the side of the road
on the side of the road-ode-ode!

What a flaming turd of a campaign that was. It actually prompted folks to leave junk on the side of the road just to spite the irreparably jaded writers.

Now that I’ve worked out this little mystery, it’s my duty to perform a public service of my own. In the distant future, a team of archaeologists tramping through the forests of Butner will trip over an abandoned fridge with the door off. They, as I once did, will scratch their heads in befuddlement until they find a printed copy of this blog installment taped inside the left-hand drawer of the vegetable crisper. After unanimously agreeing to revise the Seven Wonders of the World list, they will likely feel overcome with the urge to crawl under a desk. They might even feel compelled to leave some crap on the side of the road. But they will never, ever abandon a fridge in a ditch without first removing the door.


Tom Meltzer said...

I remember the fridge campaign. The spot I saw showed happy cartoon kids playing in a door-less fridge. Later, a cartoon redneck opened up an abandoned fridge with a door, and--you guessed it--out pops a blue, decomposed kid corpse. A chorus of very white-sounding people sing "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" in a melody that climbs the diminished scale. For some reason that spot gave me bad nightmares.

david j said...

awww, you put in the word norge just for me didn't you?
I said to myself, Lisa's writing something about fridges, she better work a Norge in there.
I have to go take a cold shower now.

extrastorchy said...


As a matter of fact, I changed "fridge" to "Norge" just for you.

david j said...

I can't hear a Marilyn Manson record without thinking of her.....

Wendy said...

I don't remember the campaign - maybe it was regional? But this made me hoot! Thanks for the laugh...

extrastorchy said...

Thanks, Wendy! Hope you're warming up your bowling arm. . .

cheated are the clouds said...

I do not remember the campaign, but your singing is great, I laughed my butt off reading this, you are way to funny, found your sight while surfing and I will come back to read some more, once again, I am still laughing, thanks

extrastorchy said...


Thanks! Always happy to help others waste their time.

Term paper said...

There's something very special about stories like that!

Custom writing said...
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