My New Cyber-Buddies

I am a creature of habit. Every morning I peel myself out of bed around 10 or so, shuffle downstairs to get coffee, and drag my tired ass back upstairs to check my email. As I am resistant to any change that upsets my morning routine, it is always a relief to find that my inbox contains messages from yet another batch of folks who are eager to make my acquaintance. I love making new friends. So much so, in fact, that I have made a list to honor the nice new cyber-buddies I've made over the past few weeks:

Constable L. Kitchen
Designation S. Hooker
Dinette B. Compress
Foxhounds E. Convention
Godly E. Constipating
Hellenistic U. Scarabs
Pelvis L. Porter
Remington R. Dysfunctions
Roommate H. Lighters

I apologize if I've left anyone out. I have been quite touched by the outpouring of support and advice these kind people have given me.

For example, my friend Dinette B. Compress has just explained how I can increase my sperm volume by 500%. While it is certainly nice to have this option open to me, it is one that I have chosen not to pursue. I am not particularly coordinated or athletic, and I doubt that I could handle such an unwieldy load without putting innocent bystanders at risk. My life is complicated enough without having a bunch of one-eyed victims of my ineptitude weighing heavily on my conscience. But thanks just the same to Dinette (is that a family name?), whose unshakable faith in my abilities never fails to bring a joyful tear to my eye.

One of my other new friends, Remington R. Dysfunctions, has slipped me an insider tip about a "Sen'sationall revoolution in m'edic'ine" that would enable me to "E'n'l'a'r'g'e [my] p"enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 in'ches!" It took me a little while to get used to Remington's thick, Eastern European accent, but once I'd absorbed the gist of his message I was quite excited by the news. I'd previously thought that an appendage enlargement this dramatic could only occur as the result of a poisonous reptile bite or scorpion sting. I'm pretty happy with the plumbing I have now, but if I ever acquire a penis that I'd like enlarged another 4 inches or so, it'll be nice to know that I can do this without the intervention of Poison Control. Thanks, Remy!

Looking back at my list of new friends, I've just noticed how fashionable the middle initial has become. It also appears that there exists a whole generation of parents who took a rather unconventional approach to baby naming. Assuming that my new cyber-buddies are chips-off-the-old-block, it seems likely that their elders had insider access to some cutting-edge research about baby names and their effect on the psychological development of individuals. Well, bully for good ol' Mom and Dad, I say! If my future son, Shoehorn K. Hairclog, turns out to be half the man that Godly E. Constipating is, I will be one damn proud parent indeed.