Saturday, May 12, 2007

A Note to Those of You With Mothers

Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

For those of you who feel a bit challenged when it comes to gift giving, I'd just like to point out to that "forty whacks" is never an appropriate Mother's Day gift. No, not even for the mother who has everything. Consider instead a nice pair of Isotoner slippers, or a coffee mug with your photo on it, or some leather chaps, or an economy-sized container of Metamucil, or a set of metric socket wrenches. Any one of these things would be a far better gift for Mom than forty whacks. Trust me on this one.

Stay tuned for my installment on Father's Day gift giving.


Steven said...

I think it was actually 18 whacks. (Her father only got 11.) Forty just sounds nicer in a song.

Even so, 18 was plenty to pretty much demolish her head. All but one of them landed right on the back of her skull, the one stray whack hitting her in the shoulder, I believe.

And, not to be too quibbley, but it was her stepmother she whacked, not her mother. I'm sure she would have given her mother a more appropriate mother's day gift.

Anonymous said...

Wow... uh... you sure know a lot about Lizzie Borden, Steven.


extrastorchy said...

Steven!!! Great to hear from you. I didn't know you had a blog until you posted your comments, so I've been enjoying reading it for the past day. In fact, that's about all I've accomplished lately.

Didn't she whack her father first, anyhow?

extrastorchy said...

I suspect it might be due to this:

Steven said...

I do know a lot about Lizzie Borden. Lizzie rules.

She whacked her step-mom first, snuck up behind her in an upstairs bedroom, and then left her there lying face down on the floor with her brains all hanging out of the back of her head.

Some time passed (an hour or two? I can't remember exactly) before she got Dad while he napped on the couch.

Her trial was a huge national media event, along the lines of the O.J. Simpson trial. She was acquitted. I don't think she ever wrote a book on how she "would have" killed them "if" she had.

If you have a strong stomach and a taste for gore, there are lots of great crime scene photos:

Anonymous said...

I like tributes to jumprope songs. Well done.

extrastorchy said...

I do my best.