Thursday, January 03, 2008

Rollers Show

“In the future there will be no wars. But there will be . . . ROLLERBALL.”

That’s the tagline from the 1975 sci-fi masterpiece, Rollerball. This film provides what I can only assume is a stunningly accurate glimpse into the distant future -- the year 2018! -- when corporations rule the world, individuality is discouraged, and grown men on roller skates chase a silver ball around in circles and beat the living snot out of each other with spiked leather gloves that appear to have been purchased at Rob Halford’s Fist-O-Rama.

This film was a real eye-opener, let me tell you. I learned many, many things about the future, which I will now attempt to impart as a personal service to you, my endearingly ignorant and culturally starved readers.

In the future . . . sci-fi movies will drag along at a crippled snail’s pace.

In the future . . . James Caan’s mother will carefully lay out his Garanimals for him every morning.

In the future . . . chairs will be much too small to sit in comfortably.

In the future . . . all homes and corporate buildings will look like they were built in the seventies.

In the future . . . an exhumed John Houseman will return to the silver screen and torture fellow cast members with tedious braggadocio about his award-winning role in The Paper Chase.

In the future . . . a nifty font will constantly remind everyone that they are living . . . in the future!

In the future . . . people will have several “Television Sets” in one house!

In the future . . . James Caan will look pretty damn good with his shirt off.

In the future . . . Quincy’s sidekick, Dr. Sam Fujiyama, will have abandoned the medical profession to pursue his lifelong dream of being an equipment strategist for the Houston Rollerball team.

In the future . . . professional athletes will need an equipment strategist to tell them how to use complex technological advancements such as “Shin Guards,” “Elbow Pads,” and “Football Helmets.”

In the future . . . James Caan will wear pants so tight that his crotch will look like a relief map of the Brazilian Highlands.

In the future . . . all grown men -- even James Caan -- will still look like total douche bags on roller skates.

Ah, but I don’t want to give away the whole film. I strongly encourage every one of you to watch this flaming turd on wheels so that you too can experience your own thrilling cinematic journey . . . into the future!


Jeff Hart said...

per the last photo, does the victor set the other team on fire at the end of a match? if so, sign me up.

anaglyph said...

Whoa! Storchy posted something!!!

The best thing in Rollerball is where all the debutantes pointlessly shoot flamethrowers into trees on the hillside and laugh merrily. What the crap was that all about?

You neglected to mention that in The Future we would have rooms full of slivers of hanging glass, because, well, just because.

extrastorchy said...

Anaglyph--You don't have slivers of glass hanging in your house now? How odd.

Oh, I get it! Since you're living in that crazy upside-down country, of course you couldn't hang anything because it would just drop to the ceiling, what with the gravity and all. You'd have to hang it from the floor, which would be totally impractical because then where would you walk?

And how do you keep all the blood from rushing to your head?

extrastorchy said...

Jeff -- Remind me to hide the matches the next time you come over.

Anonymous said...

In the future...Rollerball fans attending a match get a free coupon for a $3.99 Ciabatta Melt at Wawa's.


BLOWHARD said...

I haven't seen this movie and am trying to make-up my mind about adding it to my Netflix list. It all comes down to one question:

In the future . . . will there be cheerleaders? And if so, how will they be dressed?

LBk said...

just thought you should know that thanks to you, this movie is my dvr queue to be recorded in the next week. let's hope i'm not disappointed.

extrastorchy said...

Blowhard--Funny, I don't recall cheerleaders. Successful men are supplied with their own totally hot wife, though. The catch is that the wife can be taken away and given to somebody else if you don't retire from the rollerball game when you're asked to. So that kind of blows.

extrastorchy said...

L-Bo-- If you have an aversion to action and suspense but enjoy male camel toes, you will not be disappointed.

LBk said...

DUDE. This bad boy sat on my DVR for months. I simply couldn't bring myself to watch it until last night. Two hours and 8 minutes of my life I will never get back. I did, however, love the hat that James Caan sports when traveling to a game, as well as the fact that he never felt the need to wear a shirt under his polyester zip-up jacket.